Bite all your fingernails off...

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live" this quote is from Tuesdays with Morrie, I've been reading this book for about 6 months now but only recently have I gathered up the steam to push through it turning pages with my index finger like a security guard breaking up a fight.. This book resembles my life like a dog resembles its owner.... The book is about an old man at the end of his life and a young man without much of one...Which is only fitting because i feel like the youngest old man in the history of twenty somethings, but i digress.... Morrie is the older man he is sage-like and stoic, while mitch is stagnant and searching... Many times whenever i read a book or catch a flick i can only relate to one of the main characters and the rest i am very ambivalent towards, i could careless wetether they floursih or flounder... However with this book i relate to both Morrie and Mitch equally which is really odd because both characters are at complete opposite spectrums of their lives... Mitch is attention starved, lonley, afraid, passionless, indifferent, a workaholic while Morrie is faithful, patient, courageous, compassionate... They are like oil and water and yet.....I'am both men smashed together...However though i relate to both i long to connect more with Morrie....

I talked to Rod today after work, and was very encouraged by his words...We talked, we prayed, we laughed, but most of all we were honest... i was honest about my insecurites as Rod was honest with his advice....Talking to Rod made me feel like we were the characters in the book.. Rod of course was Morrie helping me to learn to die so that i can learn to live and I was Mitch afraid but eager to make this wisdom real....

I think I'm finally ready to learn to die so that i can learn to live.....

typing without a backspace...

where do i begin... tonight O and I bartended at Mad river and made way more money than necessary for pouring people drinks and putting up with drunken conversation... so i came home and decided that i would check out Amelians blog becasue it feels like forever since she has posted a new tidbit for me to read...... only to find that indeed my email was awkward and senseless, and that grace is something that i can hope for and cling to but never really feel... right now i feel like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest...Destined to fail.....Falling asleep right now is hard because i kind of hate myself............great....... just 4 more hours till i will be educating young minds..... i think this weekend i am going to crawl into a hole... God bless the internet and self loathing and typing without a backspace.......

I admit...

Today felt like a jigsaw puzzle in which the pieces fought to fit in their respective position.... Last night i sent Amelian pictures from our holiday together..I looked at each snapshot like a car crash, with grinding teeth and steady eyes i stared at each smile, in aww of this time that feels like a unfamilar history, that still stinging....With the pictures i composed a short email..Sluggish syllables filled the computer screen as my fingers awkwardly danced with the keyboard...Everything i wrote felt so distant, so blahh...As i cross examined the email like a lawyer over and over I questioned its motives and hoped that when Amelians eyes stumbled upon them that she would understand that these awkward words are not mine but someone elses.. Someone in need of grace.. Like a band aid ripped off prematurely i need more time to heal........They say that the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem....

i admit..........

Like the Bush Administration i need a plan....

First things first.....I do realize that in my last blog i look like the uni bomber and am aware that i look pretty pathetic... I posted the picture before i left for church and in the last 4 hours I am making changes like Tupac.....

My head is still shaved(which i dig for many reasons but realize if i am honest that my skull is unfortunately a tad bit small to really pull the essential "buzz cut") but i digress....
At church i realized a very important fact that dates back to my first entry as a blogger and that is "Life moves by preatty fast, if your not careful it just might pass you by" This infamous quote from Matthew Broderick sustained me a month ago however looking at this from a faith angle gives me more to work with than just a clever way to reference an 80's cult classic....Their is so much beauty in this world that i have neglected and scoffed at with satrical sighs... So many sunrises i slept through, so many sunsets i overlooked, so many stars i mistaked for airplanes and satelites. Their are many reasons that i have missed out on so much and it is because i lack (don don don...) The two dd's (Im not talking about Rich boy's outrageous anthem for pimping ones ride) The d's i am talking about are Dillegence and Discipline...... All of the great people who have walked this earth had dillegence and discipline.... Ghandi, MLK, Mother Theresea, Diddy, I mean the list goes on and on...So what is the resolution what is the meaning in this reckless preamble... I just realized that I like the Bush administration lack a cohesive plan...

I recently stumbled upon this verse like a penny in Joshua and it spoke to me... Maybe I'll get it tattooed on my person....

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

More than just resolutions

I need a lot more than a Pompadour and rat tail in 08

Isaiah 41:10

A somber day for a badly drawn boy

As the chilly breeze blows off of the Delware River.. i pass my reflection as it bounces back at me off of the pieces of broken glass that are sprawled out like stars on the blacktop.... i see myself and i sigh..
I've neglected my true colors for so long that i no longer feel like a vibrant painting but a gray sketch of pencil scratches that are wick willed and easily rubbed out... I went to work today to make up for the two days i had been an absolute zhombie and i accomplished a great deal..... When i got back from work i was starving... the only nourishment i had had were a handful of munchkins from Dunkin Doughnuts, so i walked up to South Street for a falaffel from Maoz (it was delightful and filling) Still i was mopey and sullen and thought some starbucks might perk me up (usually i wouldn't buy Starbucks but early in the day i ganked a free coupon that Chrissy had sent Steveo) I'll let him know when he gets back from San Diego, I'm sure he wont mind....I walked around a lot and went to all of my favorite thrift stores...

I picked up the following:
An old copy of OF MICE AND MEN
An old copy of NINE STORIES
A really comfortable old purple t-shirt
An excellent Rolling Stones record with thier early hits which is super jazzy and fun
A really rare live recording of The Supremes at the Copacabana

These purchases totaled $12.71 cents.....but feel priceless given my mood... (I feel like Charlie Brown felt when Peppermint Patty kept teasing him with the football, right as he tried to kick it she would pull it out from under him)

I'm going to see the Savages at Dave's movie theater which means the following:
Free admission
Free popcorn and goobers
Free conversation with Mancrush
Possibly some clarity....


Today i feel like the following:
(As stated earlier Charlie Brown)
Simplistic
Sad
Blessed
wrong
Confused
Weak
Contemplative
mopey
Optimistic

We part like the red sea... without Moses

Without the confines of my fraility i paraded my skin and bones on the ashes of thursday, hopefull that I wouldn't hurt so bad as the next day quietly crept over the horizon......Miles from resolution after the revolution, as time zones disconnect the hands on our wrists, the earth moves while I sleep and she roams...
We part like the red sea...

I don't know if word spread of our breakup or if my face was a mobile piece of sad graphitti art but the word on the street was now tagged for all to see...My students asked inquistively about my holiday.... i had to tell them an abbreviated truth, I said, "I have to do me"...(of course this was a severe understatement but i had to be professional) i was understood by them... It was as if what i had said was a universal ideal or a famous quote that everyone knew and enjoyed reciting...However like little lie detectors they knew that it was over between Amelian and they knew that i served as judge and jury.. .It was a strange feeling to have my teenage girls scowl at me as their pupils attempted to throw daggers, while the boys glared at me with a strong but silent admiration.. In my male students eyes i saw a burning glorification as if i were a martyr or a saint, it was as if it took every inch of their power not to give me a high five or hoist me upon thier shoulders as if i had just hit a buzzer beater at the championship game.. While in the eyes of the girls I was sinner and a thief...
(Of course the girls were right)

Listening to John Ralstons "Only evidence" makes me sad.....

She doesn't deserve this....This moring i woke up to go to work i was cold and my bones were numb like winter... next to me lay a beautiful woman, awkwardly sprawled out on my tiny mattress with her bags packed for home... Driving her to the airport we sat like popsicles in my car quiet as mice... Driving on the highway closer and closer we inched our way to the airport and the pain that came with this goodbye... We kissed and said goodbye as the wind tore into my bare legs it was an honest reminder that this story did not have to be written this way... It is here that i will admit without a shadow of a doubt that all of this, Amelian leaving prematurely, the tears, the pain, the hurt.. is all on me...It is my fault, how could i hurt a girl that "thinks that sun shines out of my ass"( quote from the movie JUNO), how could i push away such a strong, confident, beautiful, understanding, faith-filled, inspiring, unique, soul.... How could i put an uncertain end to a woman who possess qualities that i long for and have been yet to find as i fished in the sea for women like Hemingway's old man... I had no choice.... Amelian deserves the passionate unbridled love and affection that she can give, and i am to weak to give that love back to her... I feel like I am eleven years old, brittle and hopeless, young and naive, but above all directionless.... I remember being eleven years old and having my heart broken for the first time... the girls name was Nicole, we had dated for 4 and half days... i remember coming home from school weeping to my father, "I will never find another girl like her"... I remember my father in all of his infinite wisdom looking me dead in the face with those strong piercing eyes and saying, "justin you will find a million girls, you will love but this girl is not worth your tears, one day you will love and a girl who will be worth your tears" My father was right, Amelian is worth every tear in my reservoir, i cried an ocean of salt, until i had no more tears left... I went back to sleep, with no beautiful woman in my bed to catch my tears and hold my hand, I took a shower but the hot water felt like ice on my skin, void of feeling i didn't have the energy to brush my teeth, gargling with mouthwash the alcohol didn't sting, it didnt freshen my mouth pasty and awkward was fine for the dreary day i knew i would endure....I put on my new suit, the same suit i wore out to dinner and narcissitically walked past the mirror in the Loews hotel probing myself at how handsome i shallowly thought i looked.. now that same suit did not marvel me as it had just days prior at the hotel....I felt silly for feeling so proud and bold in it... now in that same suit i felt mundane, boring, and out of touch........ Like that suit, i appear to be so together.. tailored just right, bold and classic... while my insides clash with my faith like a wardrobe to outlandish to resemble fashion..... I know that i will again be myself, but i do not know the day or time that i will find myself filled with the faith that runs through my outstrethed hands like grains of sand...For now i settle for depressing music, and a vicious stare at the grey wall in this living room....and pray that she knows that i love her.... she doesn't deserve this...