Listening to John Ralstons "Only evidence" makes me sad.....

She doesn't deserve this....This moring i woke up to go to work i was cold and my bones were numb like winter... next to me lay a beautiful woman, awkwardly sprawled out on my tiny mattress with her bags packed for home... Driving her to the airport we sat like popsicles in my car quiet as mice... Driving on the highway closer and closer we inched our way to the airport and the pain that came with this goodbye... We kissed and said goodbye as the wind tore into my bare legs it was an honest reminder that this story did not have to be written this way... It is here that i will admit without a shadow of a doubt that all of this, Amelian leaving prematurely, the tears, the pain, the hurt.. is all on me...It is my fault, how could i hurt a girl that "thinks that sun shines out of my ass"( quote from the movie JUNO), how could i push away such a strong, confident, beautiful, understanding, faith-filled, inspiring, unique, soul.... How could i put an uncertain end to a woman who possess qualities that i long for and have been yet to find as i fished in the sea for women like Hemingway's old man... I had no choice.... Amelian deserves the passionate unbridled love and affection that she can give, and i am to weak to give that love back to her... I feel like I am eleven years old, brittle and hopeless, young and naive, but above all directionless.... I remember being eleven years old and having my heart broken for the first time... the girls name was Nicole, we had dated for 4 and half days... i remember coming home from school weeping to my father, "I will never find another girl like her"... I remember my father in all of his infinite wisdom looking me dead in the face with those strong piercing eyes and saying, "justin you will find a million girls, you will love but this girl is not worth your tears, one day you will love and a girl who will be worth your tears" My father was right, Amelian is worth every tear in my reservoir, i cried an ocean of salt, until i had no more tears left... I went back to sleep, with no beautiful woman in my bed to catch my tears and hold my hand, I took a shower but the hot water felt like ice on my skin, void of feeling i didn't have the energy to brush my teeth, gargling with mouthwash the alcohol didn't sting, it didnt freshen my mouth pasty and awkward was fine for the dreary day i knew i would endure....I put on my new suit, the same suit i wore out to dinner and narcissitically walked past the mirror in the Loews hotel probing myself at how handsome i shallowly thought i looked.. now that same suit did not marvel me as it had just days prior at the hotel....I felt silly for feeling so proud and bold in it... now in that same suit i felt mundane, boring, and out of touch........ Like that suit, i appear to be so together.. tailored just right, bold and classic... while my insides clash with my faith like a wardrobe to outlandish to resemble fashion..... I know that i will again be myself, but i do not know the day or time that i will find myself filled with the faith that runs through my outstrethed hands like grains of sand...For now i settle for depressing music, and a vicious stare at the grey wall in this living room....and pray that she knows that i love her.... she doesn't deserve this...